I have nothing better to do so let’s review this shit.
Considering that I don’t own a 3DS, I’m already assuming that I won’t give a single fuck about this Direct.
Starts off with a small unfunny segment with Reggie, can’t say much about it besides that they were trying to push the New Nintendo 3DS hard even though it has next to no games.
The Madden of Nintendo fanboys is the first game on the list. Never liked the franchise so I don’t think I’d be the best person to judge this. They talk about the story which nobody fucking cares about because this is Pokemon for God’s sake, everybody knows how it pans out. They once again show off the starters like they did months ago, if you look through the starter Pokemon of every generation you’ll notice they get worse and worse aesthetically every generation and this is no exception. You get a goddamn Kirby looking owl for your grass shit, a Disney villain tier cat for your fire shit and a goddamn circus seal for your water shit. Of course they have a separate soopr sekrit legendary or whatever the fuck per game so you have to go out and buy both for the complete experience. There’s also region aesthetic variants of random Pokemon, all of them show in the trailer besides Vulpix and Sandshrew look like shit. Also Rattatas are now nocturnal in a desperate attempt to make them seem like they’re worth giving a fuck about. Apparently there’s some Z-Moves or whatever where you gotta use your powers along with the Pokemon’s powers, Jesus fuck me dead Christ now even trainers have powers. You get Munchlax for free if you buy it early, remember the days when you got this shit for free? I do. He gets a special Z-Move to when he evolves into Snorlax so you can buttslam Pokeyman.
THE MADMEN ACTUALLY DID IT. They actually had the balls to port another Wii U exclusive to 3DS, it likes they want to lose even more consumer trust then they already have. Surprisingly the Wii U version is superior (I’m saying this because Hyrule Warriors on 3DS is considered the superior port, at least the last time I was bored enough to check) with exclusive features (The Mystery Mushroom and the costumes). You can’t upload entire courses online but rather you can only do it locally via StreetPass and that kind of shit which I think defeats the whole purpose of the game. There’s also a new Collaboration feature where you can upload an incomplete course and tell other people to finish it, basically it’s a feature where you work at Bethesda. This shit launches on December 2nd, 2016.
Another Mario Party game called Mario Party Star Rush. People stopped caring around 4-5, just stop already. There’s a new mode called Toad Rush, based on a character nobody ever liked. I like that they removed the car mechanic and now it’s real time. Kind of strange but hey, it could work. You can also find allies on the map to increase your movement and they earn points for you. There’s boss battles too in this mode but from what I remember, they were already in other games so I don’t really need to talk about it much further. It’s compatible with the Super Mario amiibo and they work differently in each mode. Star Rush and the new amiibo are launching on November 4th. I gotta say I was genuinely impressed by this, it seemed like a real improvement over the past two. I wouldn’t call it a system seller but they’re making a turn in the right direction.
Now they’re talking about Animal Crossing New Leaf out of nowhere because I thought that game was dead, gone and buried. It’s adding in amiibo functionality. Animal Crossing amiibo and cards will of course work but apparently so will some from other series will to. New Animal Crossing amiibo cards are releasing on December 2nd that will bring back old villagers that didn’t return to New Leaf such as Hopkins, Ellie and Boyd in a sort of motor home. There’s now a Nintendo Selects version of New Leaf and a bunduruu called Animal Crossing New Leaf: Welcome Amiibo (Fucking hell what a title) where you get the game plus a card. There’s an Animal Crossing mini-Direct later this fall coming up, can’t wait to review that shit. Basically this was all content that could’ve and should’ve been added for free, instead held back by a paywall of cards and Amiibo. If Terraria can still update for five years, even though it’s just an indie developer and not a massive size developer like Nintendo, Nintendo sure as fuck can do free content as well. Imagine if they updated Smash 4 with a DLC character that broke the balance of the game so hard that it was next to impossible to beat said character, regardless of circumstances to the point where entire countries were banning said character which led to the developer having to come back just to fix this bullshit, oh wait that already happened.
Now they move on to another Reggie segment, acting like anybody above the age of 11 will give a single fuck. Bill Trinen is back and they act like anybody cares.
Streetpass Mii Plaza is getting an update. There’s now a Quick Plaza mode where everything moves faster so you can get back to whatever the hell you were doing at that time. Now you can encounter up to 100 players with the Streetpass feature at the Plaza gate. Five new Streetpass minigames are getting added. You can download Slot Car Rivals or Market Crashers for free. If you take advantage of the free download you can get the other four in a discounted bundle. It launches (Or launched depending on the time I get this article done) shortly after the Direct. What a crock of shit, they’re charging for what are basically Mario Party-tier minigames.
There’s a new IP for 3DS called Tank Troopers. They couldn’t even be fucked to have non-Japanese footage. The unique thing about this is depending on what troops you have in your tank, you get different abilities. There’s a “freeze attack” that doesn’t seem to do shit in terms of freezing, might as well be a flamethrower. Some paintball ability that looks about as useless as the Blooper in Mario Kart and some thunder guy that stuns tanks, gee this ability totally can’t be exploited. There’s six player local and online play. Balance issues aside (Not really even that much, considering we don’t know the details as to how often these abilities can be used) it looks like decent fun. It’ll be releasing on the eShop this winter.
Picross 3D Round 2 got announced. Now blocks can be painted to reveal more complicated designs in more than 300 puzzles.There’s amiibo compatibility to get special puzzles (Gotta push our plastic on-disc DLC). There’s a demo available right after the Direct. It’s out today on the eShop. Can’t say much about it because I don’t have any experience in Picross games.
Nindies Summer Jam was announced, a new indie game fucking nobody cares about every week for this month at a discount. Starts today with Axiom Verge, a game so forgettable I had to check twice if I was spelling it right.There’s a contest on Twitter going on for two weeks where you can enter for a chance to win all five games made by nobody developers and an opportunity to curate your own content shelf on the eShop, like anybody cares. There’s also an event tonight at the EMP Museum called Nindies@Night from 8PM to 12AM or go to the Nintendo Indie Lounge during PAX West from September 2-4th from 12PM to 9PM or September 5th from 12PM to 6PM to try 13 unreleased indie games including Runbow Pocket and Punch Club. There’s apparently going to be free shit so check it out if you’re there.
Reggie shows up to boast about the 30 year anniversary of the Legend of Zelda, meanwhile Metroid had a 30 year anniversary in 2015 and got shat all over in one of the worst E3 reveals of all time. He advertises the NES Classic Edition so you can “relive” the original even though it’s been rereleased so many times you probably already have it and you don’t know it yet. They’re also releasing a new line of amiibo of the series for it’s 30th anniversary. 8-bit Link (AKA a 3D version of the original Legend of Zelda sprite), Link from Ocarina of Time and a Toon Link and Toon Zelda 2-pack. What a great way to shit on an anniversary, use it as an opportunity to push your physical on-disc DLC. They’ll work like a regular Link and Zelda amiibo and will have “special features” (Codeword for “Locked behind a paywall”) in The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Dark Horse Comics is planning on releasing three graphic novels as a part of the 30th anniversary, pretty funny how the best thing to come out of this anniversary isn’t by Nintendo. The first one will be called Art & Artifacts featuring over 2,000 illustrations from the Legend of Zelda series, you can pre-order it now if scalper scum haven’t already bought them all. The Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses continues until December 10th. The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword is releasing today on the eShop, making it the one and only Wii U game announced thus far and it’s not even a new release. Now he’s talking about The Legend of Zelda Wind Waker HD coming to Nintendo Selects, which we already knew about.
Now he starts talking about hardware with a New Nintendo 3DS XL Galaxy design, like anybody fucking cares. There’s also gonna be a New Nintendo 3DS bunduruu with Super Mario 3D Land and some plates.
Another skit, who cares.
Now he starts talking about Hyrule Warriors on 3DS, further proving my point that it’s superior on 3DS. It’s a new DLC pack including Toon Link with a Sand Wand, the train from Spirit Tracks and a playable Toon Zelda. All I can say about the new Toon Zelda is that she sounds annoying as fuck. There’s a new Adventure Map too. It’s called the Phantom Hourglass & Spirit Tracks pack available today along with a season pass for all four packs that’s at a discount.
A new Ace Attorney game was announced. The plot seems interesting where seances determine the fate of the defendants, I’ll have to check this series out sometime. I have some of the games but I never sat down and played them. Ace Attorney: Spirit of Justice will be launching on September 8th on the eShop for 3DS.
Those bastards had the nerve cockteased Mother 3, and I quote “There are a ton of RPG fans out there waiting for a certain Nintendo 3DS game”. Turns out to be the rerelease of Dragon Quest VIII releasing sometime in 2017. They talk about the rerelease of Dragon Quest VII as well with new content via Streetpass and online. If you prepurchase the Dragon Quest VII rerelease you get a free Dragon Quest VII 3DS theme, launching on September 16th.
Now they move onto Yo-Kai Watch 2, a Pokeyman clone to cash in even harder, except nobody fucking cares about it. It’s basically Pokeyman so there’s not much else I can say. The original production run of the two versions comes with a medal that you can use to give one of the damn things in the game a new move, again it’s basically a paywall. The demo will be in the eShop mid-September and will release on September 30th.
More Disney bullshit that nobody cares about. This game is called Disney Magical World 2. If you pre-purchase the game, you get free Frozen outfits to continue beating the dead horse. They’re talking about DLC before we’ve even seen a second of gameplay. It’s available for pre-purchase on the eShop and select retailers now. I don’t know a damn thing about this game besides how I can pre-purchase the game for extra shit, if that isn’t the perfect symbol of the modern game industry, I don’t know what is. They finally showed us some gameplay and I have no clue what is happening because they don’t explain anything. I don’t know what genre it is, I don’t know the plot, I don’t know how to play it. It’s a clusterfuck of a “sneak peek” that only makes me raise more questions than getting them answered. There’s so many random gameplay elements on the screen with no text describing it and so many different licenses bombarding the gameplay that I really couldn’t tell you what is happening even if I was at the top of my game in amateur journalism. There’s so much shit floating around near the end that it’s probably up there with the most nonsensical game trailers I’ve ever seen, past releases or future releases. There’s also a whole bunch of Disney 3DS themes releasing.
Now they start talking about Sonic the Hedgehog, at this point Sega as a whole is dead, gone and buried let alone Sonic. They start talking about Sonic Boom Fire & Ice after months of the development being quiet, they didn’t talk about much of anything besides 2 player competitive modes. It’s launching on September 27th, 2016. The NA launch edition comes with a DVD with three episodes, ironically you can’t even play the Sonic Boom DVD on the Wii U.
Shin Megami Tensai 4 Apocalypse was shown off. Apparently it adds a new side to the story or some shit. Never played the series so I can’t have a say in this. The first run of the game will come with some medal set. Releasing September 20th.
ANOTHER. SKIT. NEXT.
THEY DID IT AGAIN. ANOTHER WII U PORT. This time it’s of Yoshi’s Woolly World. They even had the nerve to add extra content to render all purchases of the Wii U version completely obsolete. There’s also new levels based around Poochy plus Poochy Pups to make it easier to find collectibles and shit.They’re also doing animated shorts with the stop motion company Dwarf, 30 of which will be included in the 3DS version. There’s also gonna be a Poochy Yarn amiibo with an ass scanner (Dead serious). The now titled Poochy & Yoshi’s Woolly World will be releasing on February 3rd, 2017. There will be a special bundle of the game and amiibo.
Now they’re moving onto a game called Ever Oasis. Made by the fuckers that brought you the Mana series. Even though it’s an ARPG, this doesn’t appear to be the “Kill, loot, repeat” style of Diablo. Seems like a mix of town management, puzzle solving in dungeons and Ni No Kuni, definitely an odd mix but it seems interesting, I’ll have to keep my eye on it. It releases whenever the hell in 2017.
Now they showed off Mario Sports Superstars, like anybody cares. It’s a minigame compilation of golf, baseball, soccer, tennis and horse racing. Basically it’ll be shit because they have to split development up, sacrificing quality. Launches in Spring 2017 for all you masochists out there.
PIKMIN OH FUCK. It seems to be a 2D platformer now. Call me crazy but it looks kinda neat, gives me sort of Kirby Mass Attack/Mario vs Donkey Kong vibes. I like the idea of a mixture between fast action and strategy so you have to think quick. It’s releaseing whenever the fuck 2017. Seems like a game to keep an eye on, even if they didn’t show us much this Direct, 90% of it was stuff we already knew about the series.
One last skit, gave me a little smile this time around.
While the Wii U ports were a massive “FUCK YOU” by Nintendo to Wii U owners, this direct wasn’t as bad as the last one I reviewed. There was a fun surprise at the end plus some games that look cool.
The major concern for me is with the NX. It’s supposed to be launching sometime in the spring and we still don’t know a damn thing about it unless if you count sketchy rumors. This lack of info plus a launch closing in is a recipe for disaster. Give us info and soon Nintendo.
I’d give this Direct a 5.5/10. There was a lot of bullshit and a lot of shit nobody cares about but some gems and a great surprise.